Empathy is a top-rated leadership skill. It contributes to positive relationships and organizational cultures and it also drives results.
But, what exactly is empathy? How is it different from sympathy? And how can we practice it effectively?
There is a myth to dispelled!
No, please do not walk in my shoes!
Rather, are you willing to listen and connect to the story I am telling and the feelings I am expressing about what it’s like to be in my shoes?
Hm…
So, if you are connecting to how I feel to leverage my emotions, or even worse, to insert your emotions into this story, then we shouldn’t call that empathy! That’s a form of manipulation.
And it may sound like: “If you think that’s bad, you have no idea what I have experienced! That was even worse!”
Yes, language matters!
And so does the energy that both, the storyteller and the listener bring to the situation.
For the Listener
Healthy empathy is understanding from a deep heartfelt place what the other person is feeling about their experience, and not feeling it (through) for them!
Empathy does require your willingness to be present to/with someone’s struggling.
And put your own struggle aside for a moment.
It does not mean that their and your experience have to match. Or that you have already experienced what the other person is currently going through.
Don’t get sucked into it! Own your emotional difficulties first!
You can be present, despite the fact that your experience doesn’t match the other person’s.
Another pitfall is: Empathy is not sympathy.
Notice when someone says “I feel sorry for you” or “That must be terrible”. They are standing at a safe distance, looking at you.
The subtitle of sympathetic response is related to distance: These things don’t happen to me or people like me! Sympathy can even be a trigger for shame.
Rather than conveying the powerful “I get it. Allow it, feel it through. I’ll hold space.” of empathy, sympathy communicates “Not me, but I do feel sorry for you.”
In short, here are some of the Empathy Misses according to Brene Brown:
Sympathy: I feel sorry for you
Judgement: Feeling shame for the other person
Minimizing / Avoiding: Let’s make this go away.
Comparing / Competing: If you think that’s bad … you have no idea what I have experienced!
Problem Solving: I can fix you/this.
For the Storyteller
Again, with Empathy being a top-leadership skill, we might unconsciously start expecting empathic conversations.
Well, that’s a slippery slope.
First of all, having this expectation means that we are potentially about to externalize and avoid owning and working through our own B.S. 💩
It’s too easy to dump your story on someone else’s plate! And end up in complaining, blaming or looking for a rescue!
And secondly, while sometimes it helps to process our stories through verbal expression and conversation, it can (unconsciously) lead to misuse or even abuse of empathy!
Especially, if we miss to recognize that we are projecting a signal of “Fix me”, “I am a failure”, “I am bad”, “Look what happened to me. This is soo bad and only happening to me” onto the other person.
Empathy is not relating to an experience. Empathy is also not inserting yourself into the experience. Empathy is connecting to the person, to what someone is feeling about an experience, being present and cultivating allowance for what just is!
Certain practices like meditation can help cultivate empathy. They focus on fostering a greater awareness of your own emotions and those of others. If you would like to learn more on detoxing and shielding yourself from unhealthy emotions, goto unfolding.work. Here you can also learn to cultivate self-awareness, and learn to distinguish which emotions are yours, and which aren’t and stop absorbing other people’s emotional difficulties.
I hope this has been inspiring for you. If you have any questions please let me know. 🙌